dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
