I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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