I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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