just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
