how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
