oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
