If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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