Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
my shit smells like andre
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
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