Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Every concussion has its silver lining
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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