I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
