i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We just shotgunned beers for America
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
