Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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