boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
