You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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