remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
