haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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