I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
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