the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I will pee on everything he values.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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