She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
