my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
