Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
