just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
