Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
nutella sex= disaster
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
