You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
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