I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
