I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I will pee on everything he values.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
