Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
