First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
