I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
