Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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