Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
