Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
