I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
