Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
