I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
