things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
