Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
you had me at cake vodka
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
