so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
