Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
