he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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