I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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