The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
