We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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