i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
