I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Dicks are not precious.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
