Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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