i need an iv and a liver transplant
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
