if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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