i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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