My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
