oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
