forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
