Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize
