I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
