So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
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