Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
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Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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