i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
