he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
