I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
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