Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
