no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
