I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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