now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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