At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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