I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
