why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
